Trust but Verify | Lesson One

As a woman, I feel completely justified doing a background check on a man that I may date. Audaciously, I’ve been told this a violation of trust but I see it as a very practical measure.

I have a right to understand certain core basics about a man before I invest myself at all in any sort of relationship. The reality is that if he’s got issues he may not willingly broadcast them. If that is the case, then I do not feel undue heartache in learning on my own.

Part of the reason this is so important to me is because I understand the total and complete emotional devastation of falling in love with someone you think you know only to find out you don’t know them at all.

By the time you start to figure it out you could be madly in love, that’s what happened to me. I’ve been told I’m pragmatic, but it turns out that in certain cases my pragmatism will only go so far. It’s called denial. Trust me, taking the long and slow way to enlightenment just makes no sense.

Are men entitled to a private past? Maybe.

But if the past includes a criminal record or they’ve lied to your face (think married with children, gay), you should know sooner than later. After all, you are dating them! They will be in and out of your home most likely, inside of your body potentially and by then, you won’t want to know. Rip the bandaid off early and then everyone can decide.

Some people are able to deal with drama, some people thrive on it, but I’m not one of them. Do your homework and save yourself the damage and lengthy recovery.

Would it be better if the person openly disclosed this sensitive information during the get to know you stages? Absolutely. But the reality is they don’t. We all know that if you have to learn via a background check, you’ve already lost. But, what choice do you have? The surprise factor after the fact is not awesome. It’s quite devastating.Would the average person decide not to enter into a relationship after an intimate disclosure? Maybe.

This actually happen to me. In one case, my date told me early. I did not see him again but I respected his integrity. In the other case, my date did not tell me anything and let me slowly figure it out myself. I’m not seeing him either and the latter approach is for sure crazy making.

Both men had issues. After the honest man’s earnest disclosure I chose the other man, not realizing I was choosing the less honest of the two. To me, the fact that the honest guy had disclosed shows that he actually cared about me and/or about the relationship. The other guy I fell hard for and managed to “date” for many years. His behavior had seemed so odd at times that I finally decided to do a background check in order to put myself at ease. I had hoped to set aside my 6th sense that something was wrong.

These are the learnings!

This is why when I dip my toe back into the dating pool I have zero qualms about conducting my own research.

Back in the day, people used to know the people they dated. They vetted relationship prospects through their families and their community. Everyone knew Johny’s family who lived down the street or you went to school with Sally’s brother so at least to some extent they were known to you. You would not have known everything about them but you knew their family or their school friends. Family is not a guarantee but it’s better than nothing.

Similarly, if you meet someone at work, you may get a sense as to how they operate at least in the professional world. They are somewhat known to you. You would have possible safeguards because you know their colleagues.

Current times, with on-line dating in particular, we are largely on our own. Many of us have migrated from communities where we grew up and are happy about that but without deep ties there are not the same built in social safeguards. The reality is you may be vulnerable and not even know it. It feels icky to check up on someone but if you do it early and it’s part of your vetting process then there is no harm, no foul.

Employers do it so why not you?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m super supportive of anyone who leaves their past behind and reinvent themselves which is what many of us have done, but I want an authentic relationship. I do not believe in allowing anyone to harbor information at my expense.

Meanwhile a background check guarantees you virtually nothing other than awareness. If you find out you are in fact dating a convicted felon or some version of trouble you can not get in too deep.

How could I be so naive? How come the naive person is always blamed?! That is what we should be asking ourselves.

I was in over my head and didn’t even know it. I thought I had done my diligence but it turned out it was too little, too late and I was a deer caught in headlights. Please don’t do what I did. Do your homework; you will hold a part of yourself back but that is exactly what you should be doing.

In my case, my inaction got me the lucky prize of feeling foolish and being heartbroken. This is nothing new or unique of course which is the other sad, sad part of it. The disillusionment was followed months of recovery as payback for being so earnest and trusting.

Bottom line, there are millions of great people out there. But, you have to be smart. I allowed myself to be hurt, it’s a risk I took initially unknowingly. Either way, I take responsibility for my choices. This is why I will not allow such foolishness again. Lesson one is complete.